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The US presidential primaries: the Onion's view

The Onion recently ran the following stories about the presidential primaries in the US.

McCain Wins New Hampshire Primary

Local residents had mixed opinions on MacCain's victory in winning the Republican vote in the New Hampshire Primary.

Rebecca Carlson, a systems analyst, said:

"If I've ever trusted a state to set the stage for the presidential election, it's the one that leads the country in per capita sales of alcohol."

Paul Messner, a chiropractor, said:

"You know, I'm happy for him. If a guy spends five years getting tortured by the Viet Cong, the least we can do is toss a primary or two his way."

Thad Cowley, a canvas stretcher, said:

"While I agree with much of his policies, I can't, with clear conscience, condone his age."

Bullshit Most Important Issue for 2008 Voters

Meaningless bullshit will be the deciding factor for voters in 2008, claims a December 2007 Onion poll.

The Onion said four factors are important to the bullshit-conscious voter:

• a candidate's relationship with his ex-wife;
• whether a candidate ever smoked;
• where they go on vacation;
• their exercise regime.

The Onion adds that in the past the following two factors were also important:

• whether candidates are photogenic;
• what candidates wear when appearing in public.

About The Onion

The Onion describes itself as ‘America's Finest News Source'. To find out more about The Onion, visit Wikipedia's description, which says that The Onion is a parody newspaper featuring satirical articles.

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